“The poverty of being unwanted, unloved and uncared for is the greatest poverty.”
— Mother Teresa
I and a friend recently had lunch with a mutual friend who had gone through an awkward and disheartening event at work. She felt betrayed, abandoned and totally alone. When she found out that not only was she not alone, but her experience is almost common in some environments, she laughed in relief. She had found her tribe.
From the earliest hunter-gatherer days to today’s technologically-but-sometimes-not-personally-connected society, we all need a place where we feel like we belong. It’s one of the greatest human needs we have, beyond the necessities required for sheer survival.
Seth Godin talked about needing to find “your people” in his 2008 book, “Tribes.” “Human beings can’t help it: we need to belong. One of the most powerful of our survival mechanisms is to be part of a tribe, to contribute to a group of like-minded individuals.”
We know that some of the appeal of joining a gang is to fit in, to belong. Today, I would suggest that we have an epidemic of feeling like we “don’t fit in.” Too tall, too short, too fat, too thin, too many kids, too few kids, work at home, work out of the home, religious, not religious, evolving religious practice — there are unlimited ways to feel out of sync.
The good news is, there are communities out there just waiting to welcome you.
C.S. Lewis articulated it well when he said: “Friendship is born at that moment when one person says to another: ‘What! You too? I thought I was the only one.’”
Want to knit clothing out of dog hair? There is a community for that. Are you a Trekkie? Into cosplay? Love African violets? Fascinated with the bees, wasps and ants of the United Kingdom? There’s a tribe for those. And who can forget the “bronies,” adult male fans of “My Little Pony?” There’s a place for them too.
As you find and nurture your tribe, you are also helping yourself live a longer, happier life.
A ten-year longitudinal study out of Australia found that older people were 22 percent less likely to die than their peers if they had a large group of friends.
Senior citizens who stay involved with social activities are less likely to die “prematurely” than their peers who become socially isolated.
A study of 3,000 nurses with breast cancer found that those who went through cancer alone were four times more likely to die from their disease than those with 10 or more supportive friends.
A six-year study in Sweden found that friendships meant that men with heart disease were much less likely to have heart attacks than those without that social support.
Of course there are not just physical benefits — there are emotional benefits, social benefits and career benefits as well, including being able to bounce ideas of people who “get” you, like the writers group “Inklings” that both C.S. Lewis and J.R.R Tolkien belonged to.
No single person can meet all of our social needs to belong. We can and will have multiple “tribes” throughout our lives. My husband is a computer software architect. He doesn’t come to me to be his “computer tribe” and I don’t go to him to be my “birthin’ babies tribe.”
We also don’t need to wait to be asked. We can go out and find our people.
Here are some ideas on how to do that:
* Get back in touch with friends or family — rebuild or strengthen relationships that were once important to you.
* Connect with people who have common interests. The internet has been tremendous for connecting people who may not know anyone with their particular hobby, interest or even medical condition.
* Create connection quickly by ditching the small talk.
* Bring a group together that you think should get to know each other. Let everyone talk and share.
* Be a cheerleader for your people. Install confidence, encourage them to push themselves, celebrate their wins.
* Be real. People can’t create real, lasting connections with a facade.
Here’s to more authentic connection.
Holly Richardson is grateful for the places she feels she belongs and for the people who have her back. She also loves to grow her tribe.